Computer Idee 14

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Text File | 2000-12-19 | 12.4 KB | 571 lines

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Abstain from wine, women, and song. Mostly song. -- The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable tries to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man. -- Confidence is the feeling you sometimes have before you fully understand the situation. -- Love your neighbor, but be sure her husband is away. -- The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that none of it has tried to contact us. -- Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off. -- The secret of managing is to keep the guys who hate you away from the guys who are undecided. -- All things are possible except skiing through a revolving door. -- If God had meant for us to travel tourist class, He would have made us narrower. -- Never step in anything soft. -- Florists now go to school for a year to learn how to make real flowers look like plastic. -- Beat your child once a day. If you don't know why, he does. -- If your cow doesn't give milk, sell him. -- Even paranoids have enemies. -- Neighbors never sleep. -- Bribes and threats produce miracles. -- People in groups tend to agree on courses of action which, as individuals, they know are stupid. -- If you tell the truth once, they will never believe you again, no matter how much you lie. -- To find a policeman in a hurry, double-park. -- No wonder the country is in a mess; half the people are below median intelligence. -- If you're not rejected at least three times a week, you're not really trying. -- Almost everything in life is easier to get into than out of. -- If everything seems to be coming your way, you're probably in the wrong lane. -- Majority is usually wrong. -- After an instrument has been fully assembled and working, extra components will be found on the bench. -- Atilla The Hun's Maxim: If you're going to rape, pillage and burn, be sure to do things in that order. -- Smith & Wesson... the original Point-N-Click interface. -- Just remember: when you go to court, you are trusting your fate to twelve people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty! -- Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected. -- Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron. -- Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock. -- On a tombstone: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK" -- If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn't have included children as a punishment. -- Love: The delusion that one woman differs from another. -- The only thing that stops God from sending another flood is that the first one was useless. -- We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. -- Children in the front seat cause accidents, accidents in the back seat cause children. -- It doesn't matter if you win or lose, until you lose. -- Be nice to people until you have made your first million bucks. After that people will be nice to you. -- If your attack is going really well, it's probably an ambush. -- If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep. -- Never make anything simple and efficient when a way can be found to make it complex and wonderful. -- Life is a sexually transmitted disease, and it's 100% fatal. -- The common cold, if left untreated, lasts about two weeks. If treated with medication and rest, it lasts about fourteen days. -- If we are what we eat, why aren't we new, improved, fat-free, and light. -- Many trees could be saved if the government stopped printing tax forms. -- A neighbor will stand at your door talking for 20 minutes because she doesn't have time to come in. -- Shopping is cheaper than a psychiatrist. -- It doesn't make any difference how much money you make, your wife can spend it all. -- To be old and wise, you first must be young and stupid. -- "Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons." (Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949) -- "I think there is a world market for maybe five computers." (Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943) -- "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives." (Admiral William Leahy, US Atomic Bomb Project) -- If it's stupid, but it works, it's not stupid. -- All true wisdom is found on T-shirts. -- f u cn rd ths, u cn gt a gd jb n cmptr prgrmmng. -- To some of us, reading the manual is conceding defeat. -- If at first you don't succeed, blame it on your parents. -- Who's General Failure and why's he reading my disk? -- Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue. -- Sometimes just a few hours of trial and error debugging can save minutes of reading manuals. -- Appear weak when you are strong, and strong when you are weak. -- All animals except man know that the ultimate of life is to enjoy it. -- Burn not your house to fright away the mice. -- The only way to win money out of a casino is to own one. -- Opportunities are never lost; someone will take the one you miss. -- I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants. -- Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. -- Time you enjoy wasting was not wasted. -- Go to Heaven for the climate, to Hell for the company. -- An armed society is a polite society. -- Never let a machine know you're in a hurry. -- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children. -- Illiterate? Write for free help! -- The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people. -- If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping in a closed room with a mosquito. -- Make only big mistakes. -- An "acceptable level of unemployment" means that the government economist to whom it is acceptable still has a job. -- Men and nations will act rationally when all other possibilities have been exhausted. -- Never do anything for the first time. -- Hot parts look exactly like cold parts. -- Artificial Intelligence is no match for natural stupidity. -- If a million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing. -- Diet rule #1: Never eat more than you can lift. -- Fiction has to be believable, but in reality, anything can happen. -- The ultimate in computer security is when the user cannot use the computer anymore. -- Eat healthy, exercise, and die anyway. -- Help clear the court system: legalize dueling! -- Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have! -- One definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results. -- Never get into fights with ugly people. They have nothing to lose. -- You can't have everything. Where would you put it? -- It's a widely accepted fact that if your parents didn't have any children, you won't either. -- Man is the best computer we can put aboard a spacecraft ... and the only one that can be mass produced with unskilled labor. -- If you say something stupid, and no one disagrees, then you know you're the boss. -- You can find humor in anything if you're sick enough. -- When your opponent is down, kick him. -- A Magnum-357 beats four aces. -- One seventh of our lives is spent on Mondays. -- Save your money - someday it may be worth something. -- Experience varies directly with equipment ruined. -- Good, fast, cheap: choose any two. -- Eventually, primitive life develops, and then shopping malls. -- Results? Well, man, I have gotten a lot of results. I know several thousand things that won't work. -- Prediction is very difficult, especially about the future. -- You can't make a baby in a month by getting nine women pregnant. -- "We should make things as simple as possible, but not simpler." (Albert Einstein) -- Discoveries are often made by not following instructions. -- A good executive is a person who will share the credit with the person who did all the work. -- "I don't want any yes-men around me. I want everybody to tell me the truth even if it costs them their jobs." (Sam Goldwin) -- It's so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and say the opposite. -- If you tell the truth you don't have to remember anything. -- It is better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt. -- Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel. -- There is always free cheese in a mousetrap. -- A hen is only an egg's way of making more eggs. -- One of the oldest human needs is having someone wonder where you are when you don't come home at night. -- The supreme irony of life is hardly anyone ever gets out of it alive. -- A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can't learn in no other way. -- There are two rules for success: 1) Never tell everything you know. -- Never wrestle a pig. You both get dirty and the pig likes it. -- No amount of advance planning will ever replace dumb luck. -- Anything you do can get you fired; this includes doing nothing. -- While money doesn't buy love, it puts you in a great bargaining position. -- Economics is extremely useful as a form of employment for economists. -- Beware of programmers who carry screwdrivers. -- How come there's only one Monopolies Commission? -- It is better to have a permanent income than to be fascinating. -- No one will ever win the battle of the sexes; there's too much fraternizing with the enemy. -- We are not retreating, we are advancing in another direction. -- Nothing is as easy as it looks. -- Always keep a record of data. It indicates you've been working. -- Experiments should be reproducible. They should all fail in the same way. -- Nothing motivates a man more than to see his boss putting in an honest day's work. -- It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value. -- If you have to travel on a Titanic, why not go first class? -- Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. -- Sometimes too much to drink is barely enough. -- He who always finds fault with his friends has faulty friends. -- Money is the root of all evil and man needs roots. -- Oops - I cut it off again and it's still too short. -- It take one woman nine months to have a baby, no matter how many men you put on the job. -- When all else fails, read the instructions. -- Never, ever, fly on the airline of the country from which you are departing. -- Never put off till tomorrow what you can avoid all together. -- Don't ever ask a barber whether you need a haircut. -- You must rest during the day so you can sleep at night. -- Kids used to ask you where they came from - now they tell you where to go. -- Don't force it; get a larger hammer. -- The person who snores the loudest will fall asleep first. -- One should always play fair when he has the winning cards. -- Frequent naps will keep you from getting old, especially when taken while driving. -- You can't depend on anyone to be wrong all the time. -- Virginity can be cured. -- Always remember that you are absolutely unique. Just like everyone else. -- The intensity of movie publicity is in inverse ratio to the quality of the movie. -- It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything. -- There is no mechanical problem so difficult that it cannot be solved by brute strength and ignorance. -- In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it. -- The beauty of most women is inversely proportional to the distance of the observer. -- If you are wearing one brown shoe and one black shoe, you probably have a pair like it somewhere in the closet. -- Don't believe in superstition; it brings bad luck. -- Don't be so broad minded that your brains fall out. -- Good decisions come from experience; experience comes from bad decisions. -- There's nothing more frightening than ignorance in action. -- An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience. -- Luck is the chief factor behind the other fellow's success. -- You can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, and that's sufficient.